January 18, 2012

  • Another Dream

    Today's dream involved issues with my mother. I was in my own living room and Caicedo was there with RedEyes. He was showing off his ... to her and she was unimpressed. While they were talking to each other, my mother came in and started telling me what to do. I tried to speak to her as a rational adult but she would not listen and I continued not to do as she was forcing me to do. That's when she hit me and I was shocked. I actually went into shock and started to shake uncontrollably. As my mother saw this was happening, she continued to slap me with continued yells that I must do as she says. At this point, all my thoughts were seeking objects to hurt myself. I picked up nearby crayons and markers and started to drag the tips across my skin, marking myself. I raked the crayons on my teeth and across my face. At this my mother continued to watch and scream at me that I was crazy and all this was due to my not following her orders. She stopped hitting me at this point because I was obsessed with doing my own damage. I screaming back at her to stop hitting me and trying to force me to do her own will; to treat me as an adult. She stated that I was obviously hurting myself because of lack of her guidance. My response was that it was due to her continuous controlling abuse that I am hurting myself. That my only option was to hurt myself because that was the only thing that she could not control. Meanwhile, I was looking for razors or blades that I could do even worse physical harm to myself. At this point, I began to wake up and the dream was over.